the mean reds.

"No, the blues are because you're getting fat, or because it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" -Holly Golightly

Oh, Internet. I find myself somewhat melancholy tonight. This weekend was very challenging, and not very restful at all. I stopped taking my Luvox last week, which I had been taking since just after New Year's to manage my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Like a true mental health patient, I of course decided I didn't need the help anymore, mainly because I think it's making my appetite greater, and that terrifies me. So I stopped taking it cause I ran out, and was somewhat apathetic about refilling it, and have quite probably been going through SSRI Withdrawal Syndrome. Migraine-like headaches since Thursday, nausea since Saturday, and terrible nightmares. I'm afraid to go to bed at night because I still have the vivid feelings that the dreams bring. And I feel overwhelmingly depressed.

And I feel guilty. Because, Internet, I was desperate for relief when I started this med. And I really thought it would be the one. The one that would help. I read reviews, and researched side effects, and cried on the phone with my mom, because I wanted the relief these other users described. I feel like I'm letting myself down, or giving up, by stopping it. I feel like I'm letting my loved ones down. And I feel sick. And tired.

And overwhelmingly sick. OMG. And tired. And sad. And lonely. Which is odd, because I am not even alone right now. And all I want is my family, all together.

It just occurred to me, cause I am slow like that, that of my five person family of origin, not one of us is living under the same roof. Here I am in my place, with Mom, Pops, and Other Brother spread out across Western Washington. And who knows where Brother is? Hopefully on his way home from Afghanistan by now, but even when he gets "home", that's San Diego. No one even lives in the same city, and that makes me really sad.

I should probably stop listening to Ray Lamontagne. Cause he's not helping.

Oh crap, I am so nauseous.